Underwhelmed

Underwhelmed.  Strange word.  On first appearances it seems like it should mean that you were so unaffected by a piece of news that you reacted in way which is deemed below even the base level of excitement which most would expect.  I am underwhelmed.

I received word that I am accepted to the program.  I have till the 17th of this month to say whether or not I will be a teaching assistant for the Academie of Rouen in northern France.  I have already accepted the position in my mind.  There is no question.  Prior to today I had already been planning my life around the dates of the program.  Rightfully or wrongfully (it turned out to be rightfully) I had simply assumed I would accepted.  Maybe you could say I knew I would be accepted.  Though I have little experience teaching, I had a solid essay which highlighted my qualifications and great references.  I would have been flabbergasted if I had not been accepted; the possible applicants would have needed to be so much more qualified for me to be rejected.  Now don't be too upset by such flagrant arrogance, there is a point to this.

I look damn good on paper, I had a chance to write and re-write my essay, edit and get some help from friends; in reality, I am not much of a teacher, I have no experience except for what I have gained this semester.  I realize that most of what I will be doing is conversation help, but I still feel under qualified.  They don't know that though and you shouldn't tell them.  That being said, I know I looked good on paper and what I said before seemed arrogant, but really I don't believe myself to be as good as I was in my application process.

This is my point.  I expected to be accepted.  My reasons faulty as they may be lead me to the assumption I would get in; listen well to the language of getting in.  Had my reasons lead me to the assumption I would be rejected; not allowed entry, I would have been a good deal more whelmed by the news of the acceptance.  I arrived at acceptance having already been there for months.  If I had been filled with fear and trembling and unknowing about the results I would have arrived at the end surprised and grateful.  If I had had no hope of being accepted, relying only on faith that I might accepted, I would have been much more excited today.

So with faith.  If I set out on a journey fully aware of my destination I have never left.  Instead I step out of my front door, not knowing where the road will lead, hoping and praying that life and light and love will come from my journey.

Faith without faith leads to an underwhelming entrance to heaven.