Saturday, April 23, 2011

Look on me and Answer

How long, O Lord?  Will you 
Forget me forever?
How long will you hide your 
Face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my 
Thoughts 
And every day have sorrow in my 
Heart?

How long will my enemy 
Triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, 
O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will
Sleep in death;
My enemy will say "I have 
Over come him,"
And my foes will rejoice when 
I fall.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Big O Saloon

The attentions of all in the smoke filled bar room were directed towards the women dancing in the center of the bar, men and women both throwing coins in their direction.  Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters and dollar coins, 5 dollar coins, and ever some 10 dollar coins.  Many of these had been subdivided to create smaller bits, or 1/5 of a 5 dollar coin, or 2/10 of a ten dollar coin.  An unspoken contest had broken out between the two dancers.  Dancing harder, faster, more sensually in an attempt to win the attention of the lustful drunk men surrounding them, not because they wanted these men's attention, but their money.  One woman was clearly in the lead and continued to skillfully shuffle her feet to collect the money she was getting and maybe even a little of the other womans into her pile away from the prying hands of others and continue to please.  Coins clanged across the floor, the music throbbed and the women sweat. 

A man, hardly ambulatory, black bearded, beer bellied stumbled out the back door.  Wobbling toward the forest line behind the underground bar tucked way back in the country he began undoing his pants.  As the excess liquid flowed, he noticed a glint of moonlight reflecting off of something metallic several yards into the woods.  Grunting he finished up and elevated his zipper.  He started off into the woods, tripping over thick vines,   gingerly removing thorns from his flannel shirt and blue jeans.  A car rested silently in a small glade.  A large tree was down right in the man's path which he knew would have been nearly unsurmountable in a sober state.  He looked to the left and right and saw to his distaste that the tree had been down long enough to foster a grove of thorny vines on either side.  He leaned his barrel chest against the trunk of the large downed oak.  Clumsily he lifted his right leg up and on top of the oak and pulled.  He found himself then on top of the tree, straddling it like a bull and he felt the world spin much as if he had just mounted a bucking bull.  Placing his two hands in front of him for balance he belched and looked around assured of his grasp; he was alone in the woods.  He started the laborious and somewhat comical effort to relinquish control of this great oak.  He started by placing his head close to the trunk of the tree and laying flat along the trunk; it smelled of rotting wood.      He had imagined himself swinging his feet around and then slowly slipping off to a gentle landing on his feet.  Gravity and drink had a different idea though.  He slid bodily off the log, crashing through thorny vines to rough and bloody landing.  He lay and groaned.  He set his jaws against the task and pulled himself up and walked towards the car.

He walked around the car surveying the area.  Satisfied he leaned his back against the car's trunk, and lit a cigarette.  After two or three long drags he turned slowly and placed his elbows against the red trunk of the Cadillac.   The faint red light of his cigarette illuminated a ghastly image in the back seat of the car.  A severed head with lips twisted in pain stared back into the mans eyes.  Screaming a loud he backed quickly from the car tripping over a root and crashed to the ground.  He stood, suddenly sobered and turned towards the bar.  He ran and deftly cleared the tree which had been such a difficult task before hand.  Ran headlong through thorns but steeled by fear and adrenaline he ignored the painful digging sensations as they ripped through his skin.

He burst into the back room of the bar and screamed.  Out of breath, sweating, and bloody he created a ghastly image of his own.  Between sucking breaths he yelled into the bar that there was a dead body in the woods.  The music stopped, a few men went out to look and others continued drinking; business as usual.  The more successful woman was clearly agitated and began to quickly gather the coins she had amassed, stuffing them into her purse and watching the looks of the men around.  The other woman took note which encouraged her to dance more to try and gather the men's attention; the music had started by then.  Several men booed the woman who had stooped to collect her things.  This caught the attention of one of the men.  

As she walked away from the bar in a quick trot, he reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her closely to him.  She punched him quickly in the jaw and continued her exodus.  He grabbed her again, this time making sure to gain control of both arms.  

"You have a car out there with a severed head in it, miss?" He asked with faux politeness.  She continued to struggle and kneed him in the crotch and left him groaning on the floor.  She made it out the door and heard the sirens.  Though this was a an underground bar there was certain level of understanding between the local cops and the proprietor.  The cops turned a blind eye to certain illegal activities of the bar in exchange for information just like this.  It made for some angry patrons at times when their problems were aired out to the cops, but the bar could afford to do that; it was the only thing of its kind in the surrounding 5 counties; new patrons always came.

The recently kneed man got out the door in time to see her in a dead run towards the woods opposite the car.  He chased after and cut her down with a tackle.  

"Shut up and listen, I ain't exactly in good with the pigs either," he reached into his pocket and pulled out a large handful of coins, "there's more where this come from and it's here.  You wait just a while and i'll grab it and we can be on our way."

"Why should I trust you?  Get the fuck off!" She scratched and fought, a cornered animal is a dangerous one.

"Laura, the dead man in your car, I was after him too.  I've been following you since Port James.  I was contracted to kill Frank.  You throw in with me and we might have a chance to make some money."

At the mention of all this she stopped struggling.  She turned her head towards to low rise of hill in front of the bar and saw the first hints of lights coming over it.  The sirens were much louder.  "Ok, let's go."  She said, not all together trusting but clearly in a spot where trust was not as important as other things.  

The man ran quickly to the trash can just outside the bar, reached in and pulled out a brown leather saddle bag full of coins.  Laura had just made it to the edge of the woods and was hiding crouched behind a tree.  He ran across the parking lot to the woods.  The cops had crested the ridge and saw him running.  A 9mm bullet crashed into his knee sending him sprawling.  He stood to begin again but a rapid burst of automatic fire ripped into his side and he fell.  He flung the saddle bag towards Laura and pulled out a revolver, showing it to her.  He winked, hid it under his jacket and rolled onto his back.  Laura grabbed the bag and started to run.  She made it a few steps into the woods and turned back.  

"But, what's your name?" Her question was drowned out by a revolver being fired into the the group of officers checking the man for a pulse.  

"Thank you," she started to say.  But her words were drowned out by automatic weapons fire once again.  "Thanks you," she said again, this time her words were choked by emotion.

She turned and fled.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Response

Hey,

It was nice meeting you as well.  Your question posed in such a forward way (which I am normally OK with) through me off a little.  The reason being, that like a lot of folks in and around the Harding community with differing opinions, I have to be careful to whom I talk about that stuff.  I have been graduated since December and therefore don't need to fear official reprisal, but a lot of the general populace can be un-understanding and somewhat abusive, so please pardon the cryptic answer.

But here goes:

Answering your question with a yes or no does not do the multi-faceted being God justice.  A better question may have been, which God don't you believe in.  I would ask a "theist" which God they believe in.  I am not suggesting multiple Gods, just multiple opinions and descriptions and character traits applied to what is possibly the same entity.  So I will tell you of the God I don't believe in.

I don't believe in a God who promotes nationalism and blind patriotism.  I don't believe in a God who supports discrimination based on race, gender, religion, or sexual identity.  I don't believe in a God who supports those who would rape the earth for the progress of man.  I do not believe in a God who condones a continual exploitation of the poor for the benefit of the richest.  That God is alive and strong in the minds of many rich, hopelessly well employed, white men.  That is the God with whom, I do not want to be associated.

I do believe in a God who prefers the least of these. I do believe in a God who hates and despises religious services which exacerbate the position of the poor.  I do believe in a God who wants peace and justice to roll like a river.  I do believe in a God who proclaims release to the captives.  I do believe in a God who loves unconditionally regardless of race, religion, gender and sexual identity.  In short, a God who does not exist but in the lives and writings of the prophets, of Jesus, of Martin Luther King Junior and others.

I am inspired and informed by those men and women through the centuries who have given their lives for the poor and fought for justice in their own neighborhoods.

Yes I am an atheist.  No I am not an atheist.  Maybe I am an a/theist?

Which God do you (not) believe in?  

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

There Is No God And We Are His Prophets

Pen in mouth, hair frazzled, short and brown, she sat at the tall black table, tapping quickly on her keyboard.  Encircled by open notebooks, text books, loose sheets of paper and an ipod with wires leading to her hair covered ears she sat back, closed her eyes and searched for the answers behind her eyelids.  I stood to leave and noticed all of this and in particular one book, spine facing me, closed read The Portable Atheist.  I intrigued and emboldened by this heretical book.  If she was reading it for class, I could ask with little harm done, if she was reading it for fun, I would applaud her unashamed announcement to the world.

"Is this your book?"
"Yeah."
"May I see it," I asked reaching for the book, presupposing the answer.
"Go ahead."
"So, this isn't just Christopher Hitchins, this is several authors, right?"
"Uh huh, it's a compilation of essays from various people."
"Are you reading this for fun, for class?  What?" searching through the book, noticing the different authors.
"No, just on my own time.  So I can understand better.  Are you an atheist?"

Taken off balance by this question posed so nonchalantly and forward I mouthed over a few words before deciding on asking a follow up question.  "Are you?"  No, came the quick unrehearsed response.  Finding the ball still in my court I decided to ignore the question of the safety of this individual.  I wouldn't have been able to well extract myself from this query. Safe or not she was going to get an answer.

"Yes," I said, "Well, in a sense.  That is the least honest answer I can give you, but to differentiate myself from most in this area I would say yes," motioning towards Harding with a nod of my head.  She looked confused.

"I don't expect you really understand that."
"OK, cool."
"What's your name," I asked extending my hand.
"CH___.  Your's?"
"John; it was good meeting you."
"Yeah, nice talking to you."

I turned to walk away and stopped.

"May I write in here?"
"Sure."
"Look me up on Facebook, send me a message."
"OK, I will."

An atheist evangelist spreading the good news of the death of God.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Underwhelmed

Underwhelmed.  Strange word.  On first appearances it seems like it should mean that you were so unaffected by a piece of news that you reacted in way which is deemed below even the base level of excitement which most would expect.  I am underwhelmed.

I received word that I am accepted to the program.  I have till the 17th of this month to say whether or not I will be a teaching assistant for the Academie of Rouen in northern France.  I have already accepted the position in my mind.  There is no question.  Prior to today I had already been planning my life around the dates of the program.  Rightfully or wrongfully (it turned out to be rightfully) I had simply assumed I would accepted.  Maybe you could say I knew I would be accepted.  Though I have little experience teaching, I had a solid essay which highlighted my qualifications and great references.  I would have been flabbergasted if I had not been accepted; the possible applicants would have needed to be so much more qualified for me to be rejected.  Now don't be too upset by such flagrant arrogance, there is a point to this.

I look damn good on paper, I had a chance to write and re-write my essay, edit and get some help from friends; in reality, I am not much of a teacher, I have no experience except for what I have gained this semester.  I realize that most of what I will be doing is conversation help, but I still feel under qualified.  They don't know that though and you shouldn't tell them.  That being said, I know I looked good on paper and what I said before seemed arrogant, but really I don't believe myself to be as good as I was in my application process.

This is my point.  I expected to be accepted.  My reasons faulty as they may be lead me to the assumption I would get in; listen well to the language of getting in.  Had my reasons lead me to the assumption I would be rejected; not allowed entry, I would have been a good deal more whelmed by the news of the acceptance.  I arrived at acceptance having already been there for months.  If I had been filled with fear and trembling and unknowing about the results I would have arrived at the end surprised and grateful.  If I had had no hope of being accepted, relying only on faith that I might accepted, I would have been much more excited today.

So with faith.  If I set out on a journey fully aware of my destination I have never left.  Instead I step out of my front door, not knowing where the road will lead, hoping and praying that life and light and love will come from my journey.

Faith without faith leads to an underwhelming entrance to heaven.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Series of Dreams

A gigantic green leaf covered tree erupted violently from the concrete floor of my parents basement. This basement is so real to me, I have so many solid memories from this basement.  The exposed rafters have reached new lofty heights today.  Why hello giant black man with a wizened face.  You are quite tall.  You can turn into a cat?  So you can.  How fun; you could show me that.

I'm not quite a cat, but I sure move like one.  Up the walls, across the untreated lattice work hemming in the stair well, hanging from the reddened exposed wooden supports of the floor above me.

Standing in our driveway, the UN, the bad guys I think instinctively, patrol down the street.  We must do something about this.  To the left of the garage a throng of Haitians, black and wizened, all men, stand chanting.  I can't understand them, they are chanting peace songs.  This is a protest.

Teach men your ways, please; I beg.  I don't understand; but I want to know.

11th street breaks apart and is washed away by a rushing river; it splashes up onto the driveway, offering up a bounty of fish to sustain us during our fight.

Trotting peacefully along a wooded hill top; me on a horse, Jen on a donkey.  Her donkey, bucks, racing off.  I see her tumble down the cactus covered hill side, bleeding and bruised.  I race down the hill to find her; moaning just on the other side of a shrub wall.  How did she get over there.  She's not here; moaning over there.

We don't have time to make posters.

Searching frantically; I fear the worst: a wherewolf or zombie.

It's all my fault.

A horse, white and taller than a house leads an elegant white carriage.  Are horses normally that size?

Two more horses pass by with single human riders dwarfed on their massive backs.

Oh yeah, they're always that size, comes the response.

Oh yeah, I remember...


A rooster crows.
A dog barks.
A guitar crashes.
A roommate snores.