A Stones Throw

I watched two lumpectomies, a knee scope, and two cholecystectomies today.

Wow.

I am amazed at what we, humans, have accomplished in the few short years we have been moving about on this planet.  The surgeon literally pulled a patient's stone filled gallbladder through a tiny incision in the abdomen; threaded a drainage tube through another tiny hole and out another; I shook my head in wonder.  

Really something else... 

A Message From Others

I am sitting in the library delaying the necessary finishing touches for a paper due tonight at 2359 and remembering a few tid-bits of remarkable wisdom I've recently found written by others involved in the pursuit of a career in medicine.  I found these thoughts to be enlightening at the very most, curious definitely, and maybe just a little pretentious and too highly intellectual to hold any water in the real world... maybe.

The first, found here, at Partners in Health, was written by a young man who had been part of several not for profits and spent several years on the front lines.  He was later diagnosed with cancer and these were some of his thoughts.  I don't pretend to have the time to write well about this, so I will just quote him directly and leave you to your own ends to imagine and dialogue with his thoughts. The quote comes after he has been sitting with an older man in an emergency department with a broken hip.  The older man shares his meal with the volunteer. "Moments like these continue to deepen my understanding of what it means to embrace the non-doing.  It's come to mean being brave enough to disarm myself, to set aside my intellectual firepower and self-protective shields, and to enter into another's chaos-- not to do for them, but to simple be with them."

The next one comes from a 4th year medical student at Indiana University.  Here is the link.  This one is slightly less applicable, but still a unique thought.  He claims that a person is essentially his desires, intentions, or volition.  He builds a metaphor of maze and his interaction with it.  He, the physical body stands at the beginning of the maze, willing himself to move through the maze to the end.  His goal, mind, psyche, soul, intentions, are at the end of the maze.  The means to that end are navigating the maze.  So, he says, " I stand as a soul at the end, waiting for my body to catch up, hoping it goes about things in the right way."

Happy Today; Where and Who You Are

I am a rain drop.

Not entire of myself, but

composed.

Composed of many.

And, I alone am nothing, but

with others I bring 

Life.

&

Death.

I am a rain drop.

Dropped Like a Bad Habit

I clipped into my peddles and ambled my way ten miles north to Hawthorne Park where there was already quite a crowd of similarly spandexed, highly invested, cyclists.  I want to emphasize the word cyclist here.  These were not ride on the sidewalk to buy a beer at the gas station 'people on bicycles', these were ready to ride cyclists.  Jerseys, and water bottles, and those strange, disgusting tasting goey packets of... what ever those things are made of.

Promptly at 6 o'clock we roll out of the park and onto the bike trail.  The peleton is 40 or 50 strong, more than I have ever ridden with.  We coast evenly down the bike trail and a small boy on a bike squeals at us to go faster, but we can't because of the cramped quarters.  However, once we hit the main road the pace quickens.

I was beside myself with joy for the close spacing, the speed and with what ease that speed was maintained. Handlebars inches from other handle bars, my front tire dangerously close to the rear tire in front of me.  Adrenaline pumping and pulse quickening. I was over excited.  I was over excited and leading all 50 riders.  Pace lines were formed I fell in line and paced in third or fourth place for a long time.  Twice pulling after a quick downhill.  I felt like I was on top of the world.

Soon, within an hour we had doubled the distance it had taken me to get to the park and from nowhere the pace skyrocketed.  I was able to stay on the tail end of the mob but when I looked back no one else was to be found.  The 50 riders had shrunk to maybe 20.  I asked what had happened to the rest and which group I found myself in.

"Oh" they said, "you're with the quick group, the medium and slow group peeled of a while ago."

Great.  I thought to myself.  I had had every intention of sticking with the medium group.  And now I find myself sucking wind behind the fastest group of riders I have ever been with.  And yet I was still able to stick with the tail end of the group until the hills.  Oh the hills.

The hills on McDaniel turned my already fatigued legs into mush and I fell out for good.  I managed by the skin of my teeth to inform one of the other riders that I would not be returning to the Park but instead was on may way home to lick my wounds.

I peeled away and turned west on Springhill, but a few miles from home, with an ear to ear grin shining out from beneath my helmet.

I Cannot Settle Down

A dear friend of mine woke me from a very pleasant dream squirrely early this morning to inform me she had become engaged.  I've thought much about her and that development today and this song, I feel, aptly illustrates my overall reaction.  Marriage...

Somewhere in this lonely world

There is a place where I belong

And I have seen its fields and streams

They have been revealed in my dreams

But you see I cannot settle down

There's just to much left un-found

I keep drifting like a cloud

On the wind, on the wind

Loved ones and friends lost along the way

I hope they have no ill words to say

'Cause I have cried so many tears

Leaving behind precious hearts throughout the years

'Cause you see I cannot settle down

There's just too much left un-found

I keep drifting like a cloud

On the wind, on the wind

I must keep traveling on

To find the place where I belong

And if I travel 'til the day I die

I'll make my home somewhere far beyond the sky

'Cause you see I cannot settle down

There's just too much left un-found

I keep drifting like a cloud

On the wind, on the wind

And you see I cannot settle down

There just too much left un-found

I keep drifting like a cloud

On the wind, on the wind

On the wind, on the wind

-Peter Bradley Adams

Maybe it's good for her... but for me... it sounds... impossible, atrocious, inconceivable, and if I am honest, attractive, reasonable, and desirable even. Here's the kicker: she's not the only of my friends involved in such foolishness.  She just happens to be the closest to me.  Another friend pointed out that as I (we) get older, there will be more and more stories of marrying and giving in marriage... 

One Man's Diamond Is Another Man's Graphite

Diamond and pencil lead (no longer made of lead) are both made of the same element-Carbon.

  Carbon is a unique and important element because it's atoms form four bonds, making it a crucial part of many organic molecules.  

Diamonds are the hardest substance known to man.  Graphite, maybe one of the softest.  There shape is what makes the difference.  The carbon atoms in graphite form one 'flat' shape which allows it to slough off onto your paper with ease.  Diamond's carbons, on the other hand form three dimensional geometric shapes with solid connections, which make it incredibly hard. 

Diamonds are rare, beautiful and expensive.

Graphite is none of those.

But imagine this.  A writer, who dreams of nothing but putting thought to paper (who has no access to the modern conveniences such as the one I am using to write this) who lives vicariously through pencil and paper, who veins flow with graphite, wakes to find that all of his finely sharpened number 2 pencils have been turn to fine diamonds.  He picks one up and begins to write.  But instead of a faint dark line, a tear is formed in the paper.  No matter how carefully, diligently he tries, he shreds every last piece of paper.  The wealth he now possesses is lost on him and he falls into despair.  

On the other hand, the man whose diamonds turn to graphite... That is far to banal and normal an idea to consider.  Monetary wealth is gained and lost every day.  

Driven

My physiology professor, Dr. K, has strong opinions.  The first day of class he informed us that he had a parrot at home, a 3 year old daughter, so he would be getting his cussing out of his system during class.  And boy has he.  My favorite quote thus far is "Shit wrapped in vomit wrapped in shit."  That was said while describing a random fruit from Thailand that Andrew Zimmern from Bizarre Foods can't eat because of the smell.  I am 99% convinced I will be tested on that bit of knowledge in our next quiz or possibly the first exam.  And here is another little factoid.... Another percentage (I am learning to love those among other math related objects) 40%.  That's the fail rate of said physiology class.

I love it.

Maybe I am too much of a philosopher, too much of a romantic, or maybe it was just the  endorphins from a good work out in the gym, but I can't look at this class from a purely scientific frame of mind.

N+/K+.  The sodium and potassium pump.  That is a form of primary active transport in our cells.  Three Sodium ions (N+) enter the trans-membrane protein and activate a conformational change of said pump  thanks to the hydrolysis of Adenosine Tri-phosphate, or ATP, the energy required by our cells.  The N+ escape into the extra-cellular fluid and 2 K+ slide in while the door is still open and make their way into the cell.

This is the mechanism which drives electrical currents around and around our bodies through the Central Nervous System and Peripheral Nervous System.  This causes our hearts to beat, our lungs to breath, our muscles to contract... our thoughts.

"Your personality is simply the exchange of K+ and N+.  You are a bunch of chemical reactions.  And I could prove it.  I could change your personality.  With a crayon.  I will shove that crayon up your nose through your skull into your frontal lobe and sever the connections and alter the chemical metabolic pathways, changing you."

OK, Doc... You'll have to get that close to me with a crayon, but let's say I accept your premise, which I have to in order to pass, right?

Me, you, my dog, we are all just chemical processes.

But, why, I must ask, does my dog eat it's own shit, while I am studying my self?  Imagine if you will a skeleton.  Imagine further, that skeleton holding up a skull, a human skull, under a light to get a better look at it, to examine it, to locate the foramen, the stapes, the lambdoid suture.  Why are we the only bunch of neurons studying our own neurons?  Ok, fine, evolution, selection, etc.  I can understand that.  But what makes individuals different?

Why do these chemical reactions and pumps drive some to achieve greatness and others simply crazy?
Why go out of our way to create art?  Why do we enjoy sunsets?  Why music?

Yeah, I don't know either.